joined: 2014-10-26
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     It is like the song says you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.   I have been holding my pain and emotions inside sense March and now in mid Aug. I think the time has come for me to fold my hand.   I had a fight with someone I thought was a wonderful friend in March.   I wrote her an apology, that was never acknowledged, I made a call to her house and was hung up on, I took down 2 blogs she objected to, and what did I get for all my efforts to keep the person I thought was my friend?   She put me on ignore.   I waited for months for her heart to soften and her to forgive me, but it is not happening she still has me on ignore and everyone knows there is no talking things through if the other person can not hear you.   I thought about sending her a thank you card for all the nice things she did for me before she started hating me, but i figured she would just threw it away unread.  
     I guess there is nothing left for me to do but give up the dream that we could fix the friendship, and move on without her.   It hurts a lot to even think of leaving her behind.   We were m,ore connected then anyone else I ever met, on a psychic level at least.   I learned a very long time ago no matter how much you love someone or miss them a broken friendship can not be mended by just one person.   Both people must want it for the friendship to heal, and clearly she does not as she has tossed me away like garbage.   I have cried for months every time I looked at one of the presents she sent me in the short time I knew her.   The loss hurts so much.   Another friend said I should box them up out of sight, but I just could not do it.   I kept hoping she would come back to me.  
    Lately my mood has shifted some.   I have began thinking maybe i read her all wrong, maybe she did not really care for me as much as I thought she did.  I have even began to wonder if I still want her back.   Would a real friend have left a friend in so much emotional pain for this long? or would they have forgiven their friend for being human.   Humans make mistakes !   We are none of us without flaws.   I think maybe for my own health maybe I should just fold my hand and give up on ever fixing this friendship.


   Have you ever noticed how peoples emotions color their thought processes.   Lets take a couple of my neighbors for example.  They used to be very close.   They were more like family then friends.   In a matter of weeks the friendship did not just fall apart it exploded.   I am not sure exactly what caused it, but I do know the start of the fight came after one of them posted something on Facebook.   I am not sure what was posted but the second person took it personally (as people sometimes do when someone says something too true for them to deal with).   I also know no names were mentioned in the post, but the second one took it to be aimed at her.   Well one thing lead to another and now the 2 women do not even talk, but that is not the worst of it.   One of them is always saying mean things about the other one and trying to get her in trouble over the stupidest things.   She makes her sound like the worst mother on the face of the planet, but I just saw something out my window that makes me wonder.   I was the woman that made the first posting spraying her baby girl with a garden hose and the little girl was giggling so cutely.   Makes you wonder doesn't it,  if she is such a bad mother why would she take her time to bring so much joy to her children?   I think the second woman's anger has colored how she sees things. 
     I have said for years Facebook is not a good thing when people take what they read there too seriously.   Sometimes when people write something down it is just venting off anger ad nothing more.   If people would learn to see it for just that and not take it personally there would be less fights over things posted there.   I think also people should not read things into stuff that was not there in the first place.  Like I said the first post did not say anyone's name in it, but the second woman assumed it was about her and posted stuff about the other woman on her Facebook.   My mom always said if the shoe fits ware it and if it pinches holler, so I am thinking that shoe must have pinched a lot.
     My advice to everyone is do not allow your emotions to color your vision.   Funny thing about the mind it will often see or hear one thing then try to translate it for the person seeing or hearing it.   Funny thing is it does not always relay the words that were first used.   Sometimes it relays what the hearer THOUGHT the other person meant. That is the first color seeping in to the mind the foggy grey that makes things not so clear.   Once they have changed the words that were heard usually comes either the yellow of confusion or the bright red of anger.   That will occasionally be followed by the blue of depression and the muddy brown of despair.   I just wish people would learn to see things as they are not as they think they are.


     Here is a question for you is it reasonable or unreasonable to undo something you did for the sole reason of getting a favorable result, but instead the result was more unfavorable?    If one enters into and agreement where by both parties are supposed to give a little to make a compromise all can live with, and one party keeps up their end of the deal, but the other does not, is it reasonable or unreasonable for the party that gave to take back what they put forth?      Or should they just leave it as it is and walk away from the whole idea with the knowledge of dta?     The only thing I am certain of is a compromise may only be achieved if both parties are willing to give a little so no one walks away with everything.   Having given 3 things and gotten nothing in return I think perhaps I should cut my losses and write it off as a bad deal.   I do not think it would be good business to add a new paint job, and carpeting to a building that is detain to fall down because of a crumbling foundation.

Personality Change

     Have you ever know someone who was so supper nice most of the time you knew them and then suddenly their personality starts to change for no reason that you can see?   This is what is going on with my brother-in-law, and it is really starting to make me irate.   Every time I call to talk to my sister which is not that often anymore he is always yelling things in the back ground about me calling.  Come on dude she was my sister before she was your wife and I do not appreciate you  trying to keep us apart.   My sister and I used to do all kinds of things together.   We would go to the movies, she would come over and visit, she would come over for me to give her back rubs when her back was hurting, both she and her husband would stop to see me on Christmas day.  It is literally to the point the only time I get to see her anymore is when there is a death in the family and they take me to the funeral home or when they take me to a doctor appointment.   It appears now he is trying to even stop me from seeing her them, OK I can maybe deal with that, but not being able to talk to her on the phone is unacceptable.   
     We lost one of our siblings  a short time ago, which made the ones that are left all the more precious  to me, and I resent someone trying to take away any time I can spend with them.     Then I found out tonight my niece has ovarian cysts, and no one told me that.   Tonight I am in a level 8 depression and I am not sure how I will pull myself out of it.   My first instinct is to go eat enough carbs to put myself into a sugar coma at least then I would be able to sleep, but I know that is not the answer.   The problems would still be there when I woke up, so I set here typing my heart out to strangers.  I have learned the hard way self destructive behavior like eating a bunch of sweets when you are depressed only leads to a deeper depression in the morning when you wake up and see how high your blood sugar level is, and the problem that caused the binge is still very much there.
     What I am thinking is the next time my brother-in-law starts throwing that F word around maybe I will throw it around some too.  Next time he makes a remark in the background about my sister still being on the F***ing call.    I will tell my sister to tell him to mind his own F***ing business cause I am not done talking to my F***ing sister.   Wonder if that will shock her into seeing there is something wrong with her husband.   My dad never allowed that F word around us and I can not believe she allows him to use it like he has lately.   Fact is this is NOT the personality he has represented to us for the 47 years they have been married.   This side just came out a couple years ago.   That was the first time I heard him use that F word and it shocked me then.   If I do what I am thinking about doing I may lose them both forever, but with it like it is now it is nearly the same as not really having them.   We can not bring our brother that died back, but we should not lose the ones still here before their time.
     I have been thinking a lot about dying in the past year, and now I understand what John Walton meant when he told one of his sons time has a way of taking care if it when his son asked him about being afraid of dying.   I used to be scared to death of dying, but lately I am not so much.   Used to be blind terror would run through me at the thought, but now it hardly raises a shiver.  I guess my personality is changing too.  
     Want to know something weird usually a day like today would have had me stress eating sense it happened but for some reason I do not really want any food.   Odd right?

Feeling Insecure Again

     I am feeling insecure again tonight.   When I signed on line I fired up my Skype and rang the same female friend I mentioned in an earlier blog.   She did not answer.   A few minutes later I rang my b/f and he did answer, then he said I should invite my female friend.   I said she must be away from the computer because I tried like 5 min ago and she did not answer.   He said we’ll try now.   It only took me 2 seconds to realize he and she had been on the Skype when I called him, and they had not invited me even though she knew I was on line.   I told him well if you were on Skype with her I will let you go back to it.   Now you tell me are men really that stupid?   How could he not know when I said it like I did that I was upset?   He did not call me, he did not invite me to their box, he did not even im me to see if I was ok.   I do not know maybe I expect too much of the male of the species.   Maybe it is beyond their comprehension to see what is right in front of their face, or maybe I am just over reacting.   The thing is I see history about to repeat itself.   I have seen changes in his personality, and when I have noticed personality changes in other past b/f it was not long until the relationship broke up.     It would hurt badly if he left me for our friend, but I would get over it and stay friends with her at least if they would just be honest about it.   I know one thing the longer it goes on like it has been the more strain it puts on the relationship between my b/f and me.