joined: 2014-10-26
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I could use a little input

     I have been in the hospital for afib (atrium fibrillation) 5 times in the past month, and my doctor thinks I should have a cardiac ablation.    The whole thing scares me. but if it will fix the problem so I do not need to go to the hospital so much it may be worth it.   What I would like to know is: Has anyone out there ever had this done for the same problem?  If so could you please let me know how it worked out for you?   I have been looking it up on the net for some time, but there is nothing like first hand knowledge of something from someone who has been through it before.


     Is it not ironic how people make decisions fast that sometimes shape how the rest of their lives will run.  Life is short and we each only get one, so should we not all take the time to think everything we do through before we act on anything.   That is one of the things that sucks the most about being human.   Our emotions frequently cause us to act in ways our brain would know was not a good idea if only we gave it time to think it through before acting.   As a result of these impulse decisions we set things into play that will change our futures in ways we had not ever considered.  
     Example:   A kid gets into a fight in high school and bloodies another kids nose.   The blood runs onto the second kids shirt that was just got for him by a grandmother.   Shortly after the fight the grandmother passes away.   The second kid wishes he still had the shirt his grandmother got him as his last present from her.   The anger lays dormant inside him for about a decade.   He goes on to be very successful in life and own his own company.   Then one day the very person who had bloodied his nose and ruined the last present his grandmother ever got him shows up at his business.   Life had not been so kind to him.   He does not have a job and is about to lose his house.   When he applies for a job the first kid does not recognize the  second kid now all grown up as the same person he had fought with all those years ago, but the second man does.   As a result of the anger still laying inside him over the bloody nose and the loss of the shirt, the second man rejects the first man's application.   Without the job the first man loses his home, and it was all because of a decision to get in a fight made years before that caused anger to lay inside the victim.   Had the first kid not picked the fight he would have most likely have gotten the job and saved his home.   The moral is do not let your emotions rule your decisions.   It will never turn out well for you.  
     I myself had learned that lesson the hard way when I let my emotions control me 2 years ago and I am still regretting it.


     Somehow it feels appropriate I put this here.   This year my Christmas spirit is in short supply.   That brings me back to a Christmas about 3 years ago.   I was really depressed that year and a friend went out of her way to try to make a happy Christmas day for me.  She sent me a big box with many things in it including a little green Christmas tree.   It is fully decorated and has a MERRY CHRISTMAS sign on it.   Her kindness and thoughtfulness was the best gift I got that year.   Because I do not have much Christmas spirit this year I decided to put out that little tree.   It looks so cute setting there on the stand with my little angle perched on top of it.   How sad is it that the person that gave me that wonderful Christmas is no longer a part of my life.   It is not because I wanted it that way.   I miss her every day.   Ohhhhhh she is not dead.   Because of something I said to her she has blocked me and refuses to unblock me.  A couple mutual friends have asked he to she says no.   How does one make amends or even say sorry if the person you wish to talk to does not also want it?   I am not going to pretend I was innocent I felt picked on when another friend of ours tried to sort the differences out.   I felt like they were ganging up on me.   It probably was not the case as the mutual friend is one of the people I trust most on the net, but I have a little ptsd and if I feel cornered I come out fighting and I will use what ever I got.   I am not proud of it, but in the words of my nephew it is what it is.   All I wanted was for them to back off at the time.   Well I got that, but I got something I never wanted I got put on the ignore list of someone what has always been very special to me.
     That little tree she sent me out of the goodness of her heart stands in my living room today as my hope some day she will find it in her heart to rethink things.   I do not know maybe I am crazy, but I do not throw away a friend just because they say or do something stupid to me.   I will step back calm down and then try to figure out what was going on with them when they did it, but not everyone is like that.


     There comes a time in everyone's life when you have got to accept no matter how you try or what you do you will not get something you want very much.  Took me nearly a year to accept it, but today is the day I accept me wanting something with all my heart will not make it happen.   When someone else has desires that conflict with yours sometimes theirs are stronger, and yours do not happen.  When this happens you can do one of two things.   You can drown in a pool of pain and regrets, or you can pull yourself together and have a better life in the future.  
     I have a mile stone birthday coming up very soon, and I know that despite the fact I started this year out with high hopes for a better year, it is not going to happen.   Thing is I am not going to let this put me in a hole of depression to which I can not climb out.   I do not like the way my life is going so I plan to change it.   I doubt everyone will be happy with my changes but oh well it is my life.   As I approach this mile stone birthday I have to ask myself if not now when?   The time in the hourglass that holds my life's sands is already heavier on the bottom then on the top.   I need to do what ever I am going to do before all the sands run out.

Three little words

  I am setting here crying my eyes out instead of getting ready for the inspection coming up Monday, because of 3 little words hand written on a scrap of envelope.   I found it inside a larger envelope I was moving from the table near my desk to my bedroom.   The note is about 2 years old, and I had forgotten I even had it, and I am not 100% sure it is from who I think it is you see I know 9 people with that name and it could have either of 2 or them.   It made me think of someone who means very much to me, even though I am not sure she still care at all about me.   She was there at a time when I was really low and she lifted me up.   Then last year I was going threw a bunch of stuff in my personal life that left me in a really bad state of mind.   I had little control of my emotions at that time.   I had just found out my brother had cancer and I knew in my heart he was going to die, because it was in his lymph nodes.   I was so upset and angry It was not fair he had just has a heart attack the previous Nov. and cancer on top of that was not fair.  I was angry because my brother's family has had more then their share of headship.   
   Unfortunately for me my inability to control my anger at that time spilled out on those closest to me, and I hurt someone I care very much about.   She decided she did not want anything  more to do with me and deleted me from her friends list, and hung up on me when I tried to call her hoping to talk things through.   Another friend tried to help, but in my messed up state of mind I am afraid I only made it worse.n1.114.gif instead of trying to get her to forgive me I said all the wrong things.   I know what I said that caused her to delete me.   I am calmer now and see things more clearly, but when someone has hung up on you on the phone and deleted and blocked you on social media, HOW DO I FIX THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE?   So as a result of me not being a good friend at a time when I was an emotional mess, I lost someone special to me .   That is why I am setting here crying my eyes out  at the 3 little words on the bottom of this little note:  Love ya Pamala signed at the bottom of this ragged little note.   I just wish that was still true she means so much to me.   I miss the times we spent net surfing all over the place looking at things for our crafts, and I miss seeing the beautiful pictures she made.   She is very talented.   I know it is all my fault I no longer have her as a friend, and that hurts the most.   I sometimes do not control my emotions well when I am under stress, and unfortunately sometimes my friends get hurt.   Most of them understand when this happens and will accept my apologies, but you can not apologize when a wall goes up between you and the one you love.   All you can do is lament the loss and try to go on without them.
   I would like to make a post note to this.   Some say when a friendship is broken it can not be fixed.   I do  not agree.   Full trust can not be regained if it is lost but friendships can be rebuilt IF BOTH wish it so.  Thing is BOTH must want it to happen.   I have a friend in Canada.   She hurt me several years ago and I did not talk to her for 6 months.  I actually thought we would never be friends again.   Although I deleted her I never iggied her and one day she showed up in a game room I was in and told me she wanted the friendship back and was willing to do what ever it took.   She was as good as her word she did what I asked and our friendship is as strong as it ever was, but it was made so because we BOTH wanted it.
      I am afraid I will need to find a way to live with what I have done that cost me this friend, but that does not stop it from hurting.   It does not matter if you cut your own leg off or if someone else cuts it off for you the pain will be equal.  The same is true of emotional pain , it does not matter if it was self inflicted or done by someone else it still hurts.